Setting Up Women In STEM For Success: Managing Up

Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

In the last few months, I’ve had a handful of women approach me for coaching and mentoring support — all with the same issue: how to manage up.

It got me thinking about my own journey in engineering.

I’ve been lucky to work with fantastic bosses and allies who supported me and helped me take my career to places I didn’t think possible.

But I’ve also had managers whose behaviour left me anxious to speak up, confused by mixed messages, and feeling the aftershocks of their decisions for years.

As someone who advocates for empowering women in STEM, it’s disheartening to hear stories of women being sidelined — passed over for promotions, blocked from part-time roles, or even losing their jobs after becoming parents.

We often hear that people don’t leave bad jobs — they leave bad managers. But when leaving isn’t an option, how do you navigate a difficult relationship, especially when the power dynamic is against you?

Here’s what helped me (and what I now share with others) when managing up felt impossible:

Challenge Your Assumptions

Not every clash with a manager is what it seems. When emotions run high, it's easy to assume bad intent. But often, there's something deeper going on — especially when your core values feel threatened. (Not sure on your values? Start here with my values workbook)

Start by asking yourself: what’s really being triggered here? What assumptions am I making? Where am I filling in the gaps?

Getting clear on that is the first step to managing the dynamic, rather than just reacting to it.

Manage Your State: Awareness, Regulation, and Showing Up Well

If you only take one thing from this article, let it be this: how you show up matters.

You can’t control your manager’s decisions, words or style. But you can take responsibility for your energy, your mindset, and your regulation. That’s your role in any exchange.

Energy matches energy.

If tempers are raised, start by checking in with yourself.

Are your values being threatened? Are you dysregulated? What’s yours to own?

Learning to regulate your nervous system can help. Breathing may sound basic, but it engages your vagus nerve and pulls you out of fight, flight, or freeze. Music, movement, scent, crunchy food — they all help shift your state.

Knowing what grounds you means you’re more likely to stay centred, calm, and clear — even when things get tough.

Own the Moment: Intention and Accountability

Managing up means walking into conversations that aren’t always easy. Before you do, ask: who do I want to be in this moment? Calm? Direct? Curious? Grounded?

Setting that intention shapes the whole interaction.

And if you’ve played a part in the conflict (even unintentionally), own it. That kind of self-awareness and humility often opens the door to better communication. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s powerful.

Being clear about your intentions — and honest about your impact — goes a long way toward shifting difficult dynamics.

Think Strategically: Learn Their Language and Pick Your Moments

I often joke that leadership is like love languages. Everyone has their own.

Some managers value time. Others value cost. Some care about quality, others about visibility. If you want your message to land, speak their language.

It’s also worth observing when — and how — others successfully push back. If you're constantly butting heads with your manager, but others aren’t, what do they do differently?

Managing up isn’t about giving in. It’s about reading the room, spotting patterns, and picking your moments wisely.

Check Your Ego

This one’s tough.

Some of the hardest parts of managing up aren’t external — they’re internal. Pride. Fear. The need to be right.

Ask yourself: am I protecting my point, or just my pride?

Ego often wants the last word. But leadership — even without the title — means being willing to stay open, even when it’s hard.

Final Thoughts: Why Managing Up Matters for Women in STEM

Managing up isn’t just a skill — it’s a survival tactic for many women in STEM.

In male-dominated environments, where support isn’t always a given and miscommunication can cost you your confidence, learning how to navigate upwards can make all the difference.

It’s not easy. But it’s possible. And every time you build that muscle, you make the space just a little easier for the women coming up behind you.

What have you found helpful when managing up? Or what’s been the hardest part?

Drop a comment — I’d love to hear your story.