How to Manage Stress When Tensions Rise at Work

Photo by Ezechiel Kouassi on Unsplash

When asked, one of the most common pieces of advice I give when you are working in a tense work environment is to stay mindful of what you are in control of.

And I love to share with my clients and mentees what I learned over a year ago which has been an absolute game changer for me.

Self regulation.

Whilst digging in more about relationship dynamics and psychology, this little nugget popped up and the key difference is in my self awareness and ability to do the right thing to balance myself more quickly when sh*t hits the fan.

But why does this really matter?

I keep thinking about how many conflicts at work and home could be avoided if we were better at regulating ourselves. I also wrote another blog about managing difficult conversations as this is something which comes up a lot in my practice.

Not managing other people or their habits. Ourselves. Meetings would be calmer. Feedback would land better. We’d listen more, react less, and recover faster as an individual, team, or partnership.

The problem is, most of us were never taught how to regulate our nervous systems — especially in high-pressure environments. And yet, if you work in a busy team, lead people, or spend your days managing stakeholders, this could be one of the most valuable skills you’ll ever learn to maintain the relationships which are most important (and that does include the one with yourself).

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And here’s the science-y bit…

Polyvagal theory, developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, explains how our nervous system responds to stress.

You’ve all heard of deer in the headlights, animals playing dead and bucks fighting for territory in Richmond park?

Humans, also mammals, have the same physiological mechanisms when it comes to being under threat.

Think of it as three main “states” we cycle through from fed up to fabulous (i like to think of this as a ladder):

• Safe & Connected (vagal): You feel grounded, open, curious, and capable of collaboration. This is everyone's sweet spot and the work you do is to get you and keep you in this state. This is the top of your 'ladder'

• Fight-or-Flight (sympathetic): Your heart rate spikes, focus narrows, and you’re primed to defend or attack. This is the middle point of the ladder so you can go up to vagal or down into dorsal

• Shutdown or Freeze (dorsal): Your system goes into energy-saving mode — numbness, withdrawal, or “checking out.” This is the bottom of the ladder.

Now....we can’t talk about polyvagal theory without talking about the autonomic nervous system also.

The reason that your heart rate quickens when you get a fright or you get a bad tummy in advance of a big presentation is because your vagal nerve, which runs down your whole body, is connected to all of your major organs.

These states are automatic due to whatever is going on, but with the right tools, you can notice where you are and shift yourself back toward safety and connection. That’s self-regulation..

Where on the ladder are you now?

The main target is to always be in your vagal zone; engaged, happy, focused and unfortunately you cannot go from dorsal straight to vagal, you will still have to pass through sympathetic also i.e. climb up your ladder.

The good news is that, through your main senses you can activate your nervous system and work through each state intentionally…

The first step, is to spot the key indicators that you are starting to de-regulate. This looks different to everyone, but here are some examples (some of which are personal);

• Fidgeting

• Can’t listen to music

• Irritability

• Intrusive thoughts

• Negative self talk

• Anxiety

• Anger

• Lack of focus/concentration

Take a moment to think about a series of situations in which you acted out of character or reacted suddenly to something and take note of the patterns.

• Had you just interacted with, received a message or have an upcoming interaction with someone?

• Had someone said something to you which was triggering in some way?

• Has something just happened outside of your circle of control? (i.e. an accident or frightening moment)

• What does your inner voice saying? Is it positive, challenging or negative?

For me it might be an email with a subject i'd been dreading, or when voices are raised.

Here’s what to try when you notice yourself slipping out of balance:

As mentioned earlier, your major organs are all connected to your vagal nerve and the only one you can directly influence are your lungs, which is why there are SO many paths which lead to yoga or meditation because it forces you to regulate your breathing which calms the system.

Your senses are also a key player here in helping you to snap out of a funk as your ears, eyes and olfactory system are also connected to the vagal nerve.

If You’re in Fight-or-Flight (sympathetic)

Your body is charged, your thoughts race, and your reactions feel faster than your logic.

In sympathetic mode you have a lot of energy which needs to go somewhere so

• Take a walk,

• Go to the gym,

• Dance

• Shake your body, just to move the energy out.

• Cold showers

• Eat some spicy or very tasty food.

Music can also really help you here, such as high tempo beats, or, your favourite songs from another period in the past.

Another go-to of mine is laughter, either watching a funny tv show, or connecting with friends, it ALWAYS helps.

If You’re in Shutdown or Freeze (dorsal)

You feel detached, overwhelmed, or disengaged — like you’re not really “in the room.”

• Move gently: Walk, stretch, or shake out your arms to signal safety to your nervous system.

• Use sensory cues: A strong scent (peppermint), a cool drink, or textured objects can “wake up” your body, listen to some calm soft music

• Connect with someone safe: A quick chat with a trusted colleague, counselor or therapist can bring you back online.

Your body needs care and close attention at this moment, so be kind to it.

If You’re Regulated but Sliding (just leaving vagal)

Even when things are “fine,” staying grounded takes intention.

• Micro-breaks: Two minutes to breathe between meetings.

• Co-regulate: Sit near calm people; nervous systems sync.

• Practice proactive regulation: Daily habits like exercise, meditation, journaling, or walks keep your baseline steady.

Recognise your triggers and prepare accordingly so that you are happily in the vagal state before you know a crunchy encounter is about to begin.

Starting a difficult meeting whilst you are deep in sympathetic state is not going to go well.

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Why Should We Manage Stress At Work?

When we understand how our nervous system works, we’re better at separating the situation from our reaction. This doesn’t just help us personally — it shapes team culture, reduces unnecessary conflict, and builds psychological safety.

And honestly? The more we normalise talking about self-regulation at work, the better we’ll all collaborate.

Want some more advice about managing others? Read my blog about managing up.

Do you self regulate well? What else helps you in the moment, leave a note in the comments.